appointed.

"The word of the Lord came to me, saying,

'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart...'

'Alas, Sovereign Lord,' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am too young'"

[Jeremiah 1: 5a; 6]

Throughout my pregnancy the Lord specifically reassured me many times that He was in control of the life inside me, specifically using the verses Psalm 139:13-16. Today, He reassured me again of His control with these verses from Jeremiah.

There have been many times in the last four and a half months that I have felt unable. Almost like, how/why am I Ben's mother. Don't get me wrong. This little man is my life. But in the times when he is inconsolable and I just can't figure out or even just fix the problem, my frustration [I believe] is rooted in thinking "I am not the right mom for him, someone else could do it better".

My initial reactions of "why did the Lord trust this child's care to me" resulted from many different things. The above verse 6 in Jeremiah chapter one gives the excuse "I am too young". I don't think I am too young (age wise) to care for Ben, but in a similar manner I thought I am too inexperienced as a mother. This is my first child. Why couldn't I have an easy one this time to just put my feet in the water. Why did I have to be totally submerged this way? It also stemmed from just my selfish nature as a human being. I don't want to be tested and tried. I want something easy, 'fair'.

Well, regardless of feeling inadequate and selfish. Ben was meant for me, and I for him. The Lord knew Ben when he was knit together in MY womb. He knew his eating issues, his reflux, etc. the whole nine yards. He also knew WHOSE womb He was knitting all of who Ben is into. MINE. Not anyone else.

This, as simple as it seems, blows my mind. He CHOSE ME. How 1) humbling and 2) scary is that? The Lord doesn't make mistakes. As much as He cares and loves me, He cares and loves Ben. He is watching out for Ben and chose ME to do that! What!? Meaning He KNOWS THAT I CAN. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle as He provides the daily grace to handle it.

I guess coming to this realization gives me a bit of encouragement in my own abilities. It is hard when you cannot for the life of you figure out what is wrong with your child. Why he isn't crying or isn't sleeping or if he's in pain- what is causing it, what's the best fix, etc. But with all that, the Lord gave me the ability to care for Ben. Yea, I might not be a doctor so I can't care for him by knowing what meds to give, etc. But I have the abilities (whatever they may be) that the Lord knew would be able to care for Ben. (And any outside judgments I feel from the world and other mom's are completely and utterly wrong. I am "claiming" that Truth! [thanks Andrea])

While I wish this made things all better, it does at least give me 'rest'. I can rest in the fact that the Lord has entrusted this little one to me. This is my calling in life. This is what he has for me. Nothing more, Nothing less. I can ask daily for His grace in it and know that at the end of the day, I am doing what the Lord is asking. Most times, I know I could do better. But I'm trying and it's beautiful. Beauty isn't about a finished or flawless product. It's the journey that makes something beautiful.