While he of course mentions all babies at some point fit into these characteristics, it is a high needs baby that falls into most of these descriptions the majority of the time. Elisabeth strongly falls into 10 of the 12, with the others she only periodically does. Within this article he lists the characteristics, from which you can draw the conclusion of why parenting such a child can be difficult. However, he also includes the benefits of this type of personality for their future and abilities, which is very encouraging. So I wanted to document this for my future benefit looking back, and if you'd like to know a little more about her, here are (direct) quotes from the article that really do describe her!
1) Intense: "The cry of a high need baby is not a mere request, it’s an urgent demand. These babies put more energy into everything they do. They cry loudly, feed voraciously, laugh with gusto, and protest more forcefully if their needs are not met to their satisfaction. Because they feel so deeply, they react more powerfully if their feelings are disturbed. You can read the intensity of the baby’s feelings in her body language. The fists are clenched, back arched, muscles tensed, as if ready for action."
"Intense babies become the intense toddlers, characterized by one word — “driven." The same drive that gets your toddler into trouble also leads him to a level of creativity toward which other children may not venture. Your job is to help him drive more carefully and on roads that he can handle."
"Some highly creative, world-changing people were at one time or another labeled hyperactive as a child."
3) Draining: "High need babies extract every bit of energy from tired parents — and then want more."
"Perhaps “siphoning” is a more accurate term because what you are really doing is transferring much of your energy into your baby’s tank to help her thrive."
4) Feeds Frequently: "you will soon learn that feeding is not only a source of nutrition, it’s an easy tool for comforting.....Expect baby’s need to nurse to intensify during high need days when baby will naturally gravitate toward her favorite pacifier and person, which to a breastfed baby are one and the same. Yes, you will feel like a human pacifier, because you are. Yet, consider that “pacifier” means “peacemaker.”
"Schedule” is not in the high need baby’s vocabulary."
"To give this growing infant an internal peace during those tumultuous months after birth when baby is learning to settle into life; this will help her learn eventually to create inner peace on her own."
5) Demanding: "High need babies don’t just merely request feeding and holding, they demand it — loudly....These babies convey a sense of urgency in their signals; they do not like waiting, and they do not readily accept alternatives. Woe to the parent who offers baby the rattle when he is expecting a breast. "
"A high need child with a corresponding demanding personality will, if nurtured and channeled appropriately during the formative years, exhaust teachers as she did her parents; yet she will also be able to extract from adult resources, such as teachers, the level of help and education she will need to thrive in academic and social endeavors."
6) Unpredictable: "It’s frustrating to realize that what worked yesterday doesn’t work today."
"Along with their unpredictability, these children show extremes of mood swings. When happy, they are a joy to be around; they are master charmers and people pleasers. When angry, they let everyone around them feel the heat."
"We have a theory that certain types of children show up in families who have certain areas in which they need to grow....Meeting the challenge of this “different” baby forced us to discover our creative selves."
7) Super Sensitive: "High need babies are keenly aware of the goings-on in their environment....Super-sensitive babies react in a big way to physical and emotional discomforts. They let you know, in no uncertain terms, they hurt and they need help — now!"
"This acute sensitivity to their environment can become a rewarding asset as a high need child grows. These children are “tuned in” to what is going on around them. They are not distant children. Their keen awareness stimulates their curiosity, which in turn stimulates learning. They become kids who care. They are bothered by another child’s hurts. They develop empathy, a quality that is lacking in many of today’s teens and adults. Because these children are so sensitive, they develop great discernment and are able to consider the effects of their behavior on the feelings of others. They are able to achieve one of the ultimate qualities of self-discipline: the ability to think through what they’re about to do."
8) Can't put baby down: "They extract whatever physical contact they can from their caregivers. They also crave motion. Holding is not enough; the holder must keep moving. If the holder wants to sit down, it had better be on something that rocks, glides, or swings."
9) Unsatisfied: "Not being able to satisfy a baby’s needs is very frustrating for parents of high need babies. It seems like a direct attack on your abilities. After all, isn’t a contented baby the hallmark of effective mothering? Wrong! There will be days when you nurse, rock, walk, drive, wear, and try every comforting technique known to man or woman, and nothing will work. Don’t take this as a sign of failure."
10) Separation Sensitive: "These infants do not readily accept substitute care and are notoriously slow to warm up to strangers" -- I think she is a little too young to really show this trait fully, but currently it is clear she does prefer me the majority of the time. While sometimes she screams when anybody is holding her- there are times when I take her back, she stops. Which to say the least is incredibly discouraging at times as well as incredibly encouraging. HA!
"Loud separation protests also reveal that these babies have a capacity for forming deep attachments — if they didn’t care deeply, they wouldn’t fuss so loudly when separated. This capacity is the forerunner of intimacy in adult relationships."
*Again all these quotes came from the Dr. Sears website here
While some of these benefits sound a bit of a reach (creating inner peace...) I do know, just as with how Ben is very strong willed, these characteristics of Elisabeth will benefit her too. I think they also will benefit me as difficult as each day can be.
I am such a type A personality it's insane. I LOVE schedules, predictability, routine, and order. These are not the things of a high needs baby. These are the antithesis of a high needs baby. I am having to learn to seriously adjust my expectations and comfort zone to deal with her in a gracious way. I am having to give up more of myself than I ever had to with Ben. While Ben fit very well into a schedule and I could plan days around him easily (even at this young of an age), Elisabeth is nothing of the sort. Every day is different. While I still encourage a schedule and routine with her, because I do believe kids benefit from it, I am really trying hard to BE OK, when it doesn't look how I want to look.
Also, as a mom, it's hard to have a 'screamer'. She rarely fusses. It is typically all out screaming. It can be because she's bored, she has a burp, gas, is tired, overstimulated, is hungry. It doesn't matter. She will scream. This is disheartening and discouraging as a mom and therefore really draining. It's hard not to take it personally! I am constantly reasoning with her :) And because she's a screamer it can be hard to differentiate between the reasons... so 'fixing the problem' which is sometimes just not fixable, is hard.
I am not gonna lie, I am getting petrified of the toddler years with her because I can see these personality traits being a lot harder for me to deal with than how Ben is as a toddler. It makes me realize how laid back and easy going Ben is and what an overall great kid he is. Which has been a blessing in all this as well.
All this to say, I know that the Lord is refining me. At least attempting to, and I seem to be fighting it tooth and nail because I hate change. But I'm trying. It is a daily thing asking the Lord for grace and patience during the napless days and screaming evenings. It is so hard. Maybe it wouldn't be for someone else with a more laid back, go with the flow, personality. But for me, it is so hard. FOR ME she is hard. I don't have the strength. But the Lord does. And every minute of every day I have to remember that and call on Him.
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze." [Psalm 18:32-34]
Little miss did turn 3 months on Valentines day so we attempted some pictures. Enjoy. I love these two with my entire heart and then some.
Nicole- I am so proud of the woman of grace you are becoming. I know that this journey has had it's share of struggle but just stop for a minute (as you so beautifully described in this post) and behold the glory of an Almighty God who has molded you into such an amazing mom. Those two little ones are blessed to have you be the one to love and care for them. Elisabeth is just that sandpaper that God is using to make you more like His Son. And what beautiful sandpaper she is:) Love you tons and would love to spend some time catching up with you soon!
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